An open letter to Red Sox fans

Dear Red Sox Fans,

It's been a while since we've had a heart to heart, and I think we need one before tonight's World Series opener. Before we start, however, those of you whose love of baseball keeps your fandom from devolving into buffoonery can excuse themselves (I'm looking at you, Peter). The same goes for anyone who learned any basic sense of sportsmanship as a child. As for the rest of you, I want to remind you of a few things.

First of all, making it to the World Series while the Yankees were knocked out of the playoffs in the Division Series is not a moral victory; it's just a regular victory. I know you like to think of this rivalry as the good "Red Sox Nation" versus the "Evil Empire," but it's not. I know this because the Yankees have yet to enslave the people of Connecticut, and the Red Sox have yet to restore freedom to the oppressed peoples of Rhode Island. Instead, they've played baseball, a game where good and evil don't come into play. So you should stop thinking that rooting for the Red Sox makes you a better person than me.

Please don't look at me like that. I really do understand how you feel. I'm a Buffalo Bills fan and, while I haven't endured 86 years of heartbreak, I defy you to find any fan who went through a more devastating four years as Bills fans did from 1990 to 1993. I know it's tempting to take solace by creating a comforting fantasy world where, even though you lost, you did so fighting evil, but when you do you run the risk of starting to act like an idiot.

Don't get me wrong. I enjoy mocking fans of other teams as much as you. It's going to be a few months before my brothers stop hearing about the Mets' incredible collapse. However, I don't call them names (at least not for baseball reasons), nor do I hypothesize about the sexual habits of David Wright, and I certainly don't harass random strangers wearing Mets' paraphernalia.

Now, the reason that it's so important for you to understand this before tonight's opener is because you're playing the Colorado Rockies. This is a scrappy young team who rode an incredible hot streak to make it into a one game playoff for the wild card. Now they've made it to the World Series for the first time in franchise history where they face a perennial contender who had the best record in baseball and sports a payroll more than three times their own. In other words, they're the underdogs and if you persist in your delusions you'll find that you've become the Evil Empire.

Calm down, now. I know it's scary, but I'm going to help. Have a glass of water, take a breath and repeat after me:

"Baseball is a great game that can be enjoyed without being an ass to other people."

I'm glad we had this little chat, and I hope you've learned something. Now run along and have a fun World Series.

Sincerely,
Amol